My Own Worst Enemy.

Two weeks ago, I got my first legitimate review at work. I say legitimate because there were good parts, and not so good parts. I have never gotten a review at any job I have ever worked at. To be honest, it makes me feel kind of grown up. Every job I have ever worked in a kitchen, I've been told to pick up my speed. I have absolutely no idea how I am so slow at doing things but I have heard numerous times that speed comes with experience. In the kitchen, I am more of a perfectionist. I think I get that from my dad. Anyways, at my review I was told I need to be a better expeditor. This would mean being louder, communicating more effectively to my co-workers, knowing my priorities (knowing to season this piece of meat before that piece of meat and plating this before that and etc.), and instead of just standing like a deer in the headlights when we get swamped, DO SOMETHING! I was told that if I don't step it up, that they would have to bring someone in with more experience. Which is totally understandable. I have never been an expeditor. The expeditor should have control of every ticket and just be in charge, in a sense. The good part about my review is that they love that I have such a positive attitude and they appreciate the fact that I had at least SOME experience before coming to work at the best restaurant in Rockford. My boss said, "This is probably the hardest kitchen you will ever work in." 

All of the bad just kept ringing in my head. Then the negative thoughts started taking effect. 

"Maybe you just aren't cut out for the restaurant world."

"You aren't cutting the mustard, Jennifer."

"So you suck at communicating in relationships AND at work?"

"If it doesn't work out... then what?"

"You're too short." 

"You aren't fast."

"You probably won't make it."

But then I started thinking about self-fulfilling prophecy and how if I keep thinking like that, I won't make it (not only as a chef but just as a human being.) 

So, I did what they told me. To study. To start studying the menu. I made cheese notecards. I bought books on plating, on foraging, on pickling and curing, and just a book about a woman who is a chef who I thought I could maybe relate to called, "Blood, Bones and Butter". All I've been doing for the past few weeks is immerse myself into these books, pay more attention at work and ask more and more questions. Look up terms that I don't know. 

I'm not a quitter. I never have been. In some aspects of life-- it's a good thing. As for other parts-- not so much. I've put my nose to the grind stone. I dreaded last weekend. Full of negative thoughts, I went off to work. I think I did alright but I wasn't impressed with myself. 

This week, I had my turn around. I don't know what happened but I have just been ready to go. I'm trying. LORD, am I trying. I couldn't have been more proud of myself this Friday and Saturday. There were times this weekend where I felt I was moving so fast that I almost had an out of body experience, like I was watching myself work. Or like my body just knew what to do and so it was finally starting to become second nature. Working in the restaurant industry is grueling on your body physically. My back is killing me today. But I think the pain is well worth it. It's weekends like this where I feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am meant to do this." 

I've come to realize that your best does not exist. You can always be doing better. Doing more research. Going a little faster. Trying a little harder. And once you've accepted the fact that you aren't the best but  you are trying as hard as you can, then the pride sets in and the positive thoughts become regular customers. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me as far as cooking and culinary goes but I do know that I love what I do. I love food and people. It was reassured this weekend. I have no idea how anyone else thinks I did on our two busiest nights of the week but I finally feel like I am starting to get it and I couldn't be any more proud of myself. Which is a pretty big step just in this thing i'm living called, "Life."