Talking Out Of My Ass

The last week has been slightly hectic for me.  I keep getting bad news. It just keeps coming. A constant flow of bullshit. I lost one job and my second job is coming to an end.  I got dumped out of no where. I’m going broke. I owe my school money when I thought they owed ME money. You know, everything that could be going wrong, is. I lost my one job and that has been wearing on my mind more than I thought it ever would. It’s a constant struggle to even remember what day it is. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I don’t feel stressed but subconsciously, I am breaking down. And I’m feeling it physically, as well. Then you lose a support system. So while you think you have someone to lean on, that’s gone.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought everything was going good. Just in general. Life, work, everything. I felt like I had it all. But slowly it’s all falling apart and I don’t know what I did to have it all happen at once. I have no idea what to do. I’ve lost my motivation and drive to cook because I keep second guessing myself. I have no idea where I’m going.

Last week, I was decently confident in all aspects of my life; this week, I have hit rock bottom. If it wasn’t for work tonight, I’d be way worse off than I was at 1:30 today. It also helps that one of my good friends is in town for the weekend. I know it’ll get better but I have no idea when. Like, I can’t even imagine what it’d be like if it did get better. I don’t know. I’ll get through it but it’s hard when you feel like you’re doing it all alone. I know I’m not alone but… you know. I can say that I’m forming a new plan. I don’t know why though. Why do we even have to have a plan? Nevermind the bullshit.

School was interesting this week. I got an A on a paper I wrote about a food-borne illness. I also forgot my uniform at home because I didn’t think we needed it for my menu design class. So I was stuck wearing one of my teachers’ chef jackets and a really cute hair net. I also hash-tagged out loud “#chefprobs #mylife #whitegirlprobs” and this one girl said, “hash-tags are meant for the internet.” And I said, “And I like to hash-tag out loud because it’s funny. It also bugs people like you.”

I sucked at everything we made that day. We were given a rib-eye and a NY strip. One had to be grilled, and the other pan seared. We also had to make two sauces. (Both of which I screwed up.) My steaks turned out okay. We also had to make these potato things and our group didn’t work as a group so that was screwed up too. I haven’t been in it this week. Or last week really. I feel like I’m lost in a dark room. I don’t know where I am, who I am, what I want. Nothing.

Tuesday, we went on a field trip. (Thank God!) When I walked in to class that day, first thing a couple of my class mates were talking about was the slaughtering of cows. I don’t want to talk about that. I also don’t want to see it. But then, our teacher had us watch a little like documentary called the “The Good Slaughter.” It was about this company that slaughters animals but they do it quick and painless. It was interesting. It wasn’t too graphic and there weren’t any sounds. I did turn my head a few times and was almost at the point of tears. But they did do it quick. First they shock them behind the ears, then they hang them by their feet so they are upside down and slit their throat so they bleed out. It sounds terrible but it’s quick. Sometimes they use this air pressured type thing and get them through their ears and a rod shoots into their brain. So then they die real quick. It’s gross. I need to stop.

But we went on our field trip and watched them break down a whole half of a cow. We got to see all parts of the cow (or steer, really) (no guts, just meat) get broken down. The meat looked so good. And we got a tour of the factory and at the end I bought some cranberry brats. They were really good. I only ate one but they were pretty fantastic.

And that’s about it.

If you made it to the end of this god-awful blog, I appreciate it. I’m human. I feel things. And as an aspiring chef, I do go through downfalls so why shouldn’t I share those as well? It doesn’t matter to me. Whatever. I don’t need to make excuses. It is what it is.