My Own Worst Enemy.

Two weeks ago, I got my first legitimate review at work. I say legitimate because there were good parts, and not so good parts. I have never gotten a review at any job I have ever worked at. To be honest, it makes me feel kind of grown up. Every job I have ever worked in a kitchen, I've been told to pick up my speed. I have absolutely no idea how I am so slow at doing things but I have heard numerous times that speed comes with experience. In the kitchen, I am more of a perfectionist. I think I get that from my dad. Anyways, at my review I was told I need to be a better expeditor. This would mean being louder, communicating more effectively to my co-workers, knowing my priorities (knowing to season this piece of meat before that piece of meat and plating this before that and etc.), and instead of just standing like a deer in the headlights when we get swamped, DO SOMETHING! I was told that if I don't step it up, that they would have to bring someone in with more experience. Which is totally understandable. I have never been an expeditor. The expeditor should have control of every ticket and just be in charge, in a sense. The good part about my review is that they love that I have such a positive attitude and they appreciate the fact that I had at least SOME experience before coming to work at the best restaurant in Rockford. My boss said, "This is probably the hardest kitchen you will ever work in." 

All of the bad just kept ringing in my head. Then the negative thoughts started taking effect. 

"Maybe you just aren't cut out for the restaurant world."

"You aren't cutting the mustard, Jennifer."

"So you suck at communicating in relationships AND at work?"

"If it doesn't work out... then what?"

"You're too short." 

"You aren't fast."

"You probably won't make it."

But then I started thinking about self-fulfilling prophecy and how if I keep thinking like that, I won't make it (not only as a chef but just as a human being.) 

So, I did what they told me. To study. To start studying the menu. I made cheese notecards. I bought books on plating, on foraging, on pickling and curing, and just a book about a woman who is a chef who I thought I could maybe relate to called, "Blood, Bones and Butter". All I've been doing for the past few weeks is immerse myself into these books, pay more attention at work and ask more and more questions. Look up terms that I don't know. 

I'm not a quitter. I never have been. In some aspects of life-- it's a good thing. As for other parts-- not so much. I've put my nose to the grind stone. I dreaded last weekend. Full of negative thoughts, I went off to work. I think I did alright but I wasn't impressed with myself. 

This week, I had my turn around. I don't know what happened but I have just been ready to go. I'm trying. LORD, am I trying. I couldn't have been more proud of myself this Friday and Saturday. There were times this weekend where I felt I was moving so fast that I almost had an out of body experience, like I was watching myself work. Or like my body just knew what to do and so it was finally starting to become second nature. Working in the restaurant industry is grueling on your body physically. My back is killing me today. But I think the pain is well worth it. It's weekends like this where I feel like, "Yeah, maybe I am meant to do this." 

I've come to realize that your best does not exist. You can always be doing better. Doing more research. Going a little faster. Trying a little harder. And once you've accepted the fact that you aren't the best but  you are trying as hard as you can, then the pride sets in and the positive thoughts become regular customers. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me as far as cooking and culinary goes but I do know that I love what I do. I love food and people. It was reassured this weekend. I have no idea how anyone else thinks I did on our two busiest nights of the week but I finally feel like I am starting to get it and I couldn't be any more proud of myself. Which is a pretty big step just in this thing i'm living called, "Life."

Judgement.

Let's start off with a random thought: 

You're in a room full of say... 20 people. 

In that room:

You have someone who is going through the hardest day of their life. 

Someone may be having the best day of their life.

Someone may get a call after class and get devastating news... or great news that could change their life forever.

Someone may be severely depressed but has the biggest smile on their face.

Someone in that room may have had the hardest time waking up that morning.

Someone in that room may have their future mapped out,

and a few others have absolutely no idea. 

Someone may be there physically and not present at all mentally. 

Someone may be battling addiction, or someone close to them is battling addiction or some sort of illness.

Someone's significant other, could be overseas and they have absolutely no idea when or if the love of their life is coming back.

Someone could've just fallen in love. 

Someone could've just fallen out of love.

The list goes on and there could be more than 20, or less than 20 people. Doesn't matter. 

You could very well be one of the few that I have described. Maybe you could relate to another person in that room. You'll never really know.

Either way, you don't know these strangers' stories. They don't know yours. You only know what you see on the outside. You don't know their struggles and they don't know yours. You also don't know what makes them happy or what makes them tick. You're quiet. You say nothing. You have to drag yourself to this room full of people because you don't want to be there. You constantly ask yourself, how will this day benefit me? You may never have the answers. 

I guess what i'm trying to say is that I have been thinking a lot about judgement lately. Everyone judges people. I am guilty of this. I am aware of it. But once you make the realization, you have the power to change it. 

I think about these things while I am driving. Then I went into the gym and there are like, 50 people around me. I put this room thought into perspective. Why is the person next to you at the gym? What is their story? There are people at the gym that live for the endorphins and there are also people there that, maybe that night was their last night going. Maybe some are like me and need the gym to help them get past the struggles. When you start thinking about who someone is, on a broad spectrum, it makes it a lot easier to stop judging them. Clothes don't make you human. Hair doesn't make you human. Make up doesn't make you human. Material things don't make you human. 

What makes you human is compassion. Love. A heart beat. Sadness. Struggles. Everyone is different and that is the best part about the world. Everyone has a their own story and who are you to judge them? No one has the right to judge me, and I don't have the right to judge them. I don't care what type of struggle you have been through or what type of power you may hold, no one has the right to judge anyone. We have to help our neighbors (strangers or friends) up. Not down. When you've got a room full of beating hearts and one is in a great and harmonious place, that vibe travels to others. Happiness is contagious (this is a scientific fact). 

Stop judging and love your neighbor!

Positive Blog

It's amazing what a little bit of alone time can do for you. I've been resting for a few days because I sprained my knee on Sunday. I've had a day and a half to just think. Usually, thinking gets me stuck in a bad place but I've been able to turn that around. I'm just going to write and a lot of this will seemingly be random thoughts. I am doing this for me.

First thought: Wale
Wale is my favorite musical artist and he has been for quite some time. He's a rapper but he isn't just any rapper. I listen to music on the radio and just other artists on my iPod and there is so much repetition in music today. Everything on the radio is made up of 10 lines of music and 5 of those lines get repeated like 75 times in a song. And then they win awards. Other rappers I listen to are constantly sampling from other artists before their time. And that's cool, whatever but I think it lacks talent. I've also noticed that all of these rappers on the radio rap about the same shit. So many similar lines and you listen and you're like, "wait a second, didn't so and so say that in his song?" Now, i'm not an expert on music by any means BUT I know who is real and who is lacking talent. I won't get into who is who but I will say that Wale is by far one of the best rappers I've ever heard. He's constantly pushing us to do big things. TO GO OUT AND GET WHAT WE WANT. My first morning back to school and it was early and I listed to his "The Gifted" album all the way to school. I actually listened and really felt the music for the first time in a long time. He gave me that jump on the rest of the day. He is my motivation. He seems respectful and genuine and I love his shoes. He is ALWAYS wearing some cool shoes. And if anyone really knows me, they know I love awesome shoes. He's just... he's got it. I have more respect for him than I do any other musical artist or movie star out there. He loves rapping. He does it for the love of music. Not for money or fame. And that is rare in today's society.

Second thought: Maturity
I've come to realize that my jealousy is going away. I can be a jealous person at times and I hate it. All I can do is realize it and fix it. I know many people who are in great relationships and I used to get jealous of things like that. But today, I can proudly say that I'm not jealous of others in relationships. I'm so happy for many of my friends in relationships. I know not all of them will end up together but they all seem very happy. I've had my fair share of rough relationships (not all of them sucked) and I've wanted to give up on love. I've wanted to throw in the towel on the whole shebang and honestly, at this point in my life-- I don't even want a relationship. Okay, that's kind of a lie. Yes, I do. But the biggest thing for me is being okay with who I am as a person. I'm okay with being alone. Yeah, it gets hard sometimes but these couples give me hope. I think some people are meant to be alone and others have a someone out there waiting for them. I have no idea which group I fall into but it's a big world and I'm not that worried about it at this point.

Third thought: Finding self vs. Creating self
I heard a quote the other day and it said something like, "It's impossible to find your self because you have to create it." or something like that. Either way, it stopped me and got me thinking. I definitely believe that you have to create your self. Take what you want from the world and those around you and  build on what you believe in. You may not even believe in anything anyone is doing around you. You have to create your self. Your own image and who you are. No one else has the right to create you. You build your own self. You find out who you are through the struggles and through the things that make you happy. But everyone knows this already. I went out into the world today and was constantly asking myself, "Why do you care what this stranger thinks? They don't know you. They don't know your story and you don't know theirs." It was just another day but in my head, gears were switching course.

I guess I'm just really content with who I am on the outside. Still working on the inside but the outside, meh. I've been living by this for quite some time. I've convinced myself that if I ever do find someone, they aren't going to fall in love with my looks. My physical appearance. I don't need to impress someone with my clothes or my hair. I don't want to. I'm too lazy for all that. I'd rather hang out in sweatpants and a hoodie than have to wear jeans around someone all the time. I want to be me, 100%. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. And I'm pretty good at finding my flaws but I'm okay with my flaws. I'm okay not being the prettiest girl in the world. I'm okay with everything that I'm not. I'm still working on finding the things I love about myself. Some days are easier than others. I've got a lot to work on but at the end of the day, I have to take care of number 1 and number 2. 1 being me and number 2 being my cat. ;)

Fourth thought: Answers
Let me be vague for a second:
I'm just going to say that I'm over it and yet, I'm not over it at all (and something is telling me that I never will be). I haven't found the answer as to why and I most likely never will. It's okay to not have all the answers. It is what it is and I just have to learn to live my life and work around it.

Last thought: Happiness
I just found this and it was one of the coolest things I've read. Just read it. Click me!
These are the 10 truths you will learn before you find happiness:

1. It's impossible for anyone else to define YOU.
2. You were born with everything you need.
3. Perfection is a man-made illusion.
**4. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS.
5. Your beliefs can be modified to lift you up.
6. The past and future don't exist.
7. Your calling in life is to fully express who you already are.
8. Challenges are gifts for your growth.
9. Happiness is choosing forgiveness over hurt.
**10. Surrender is the essence of a happy life.

**Those are my favorites

If you made it to the end of this blog, I salute you. This had absolutely nothing to do with food but it was all about me. So get over it. There'll be more food blogs to come, I'm sure. :)

School? Meh.

I've really been needing to write lately so why not add on to this blog?
I've been struggling lately.
With life...
sorta.

School started back up and one minute I'm excited and the next, I want to just say "screw it!" and go home. I know I can and will and have learned a lot in culinary school, it's just the fact that culinary school is so much work. I have to be to class on Monday at 7 a.m. That means I need to wake up at 5 a.m. and leave the house by 6. I get to school before the sun comes up and when I leave the sun has come and gone. I feel like school is almost like a competition. Sometimes, I get so trapped in my head with what I'm not good at that I start messing up at work. My biggest fear right now is losing my job. I could die and it'd be whatever. But if I lost my job, I'd live but I'd feel so shitty. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't. But I do.

Lately, I just feel so inadequate. In everything that I do. The guys I work with in the kitchen are cool as hell and they work so hard. And I think they love what they do. I look up to them. They are so knowledgeable about food and the culinary world. I want to be like them. It sounds cheesy. I'm one of the few people that actually say, "I love my job." I do. It's just hard sometimes. I sit and think how I will spend a majority of my life in the kitchen. If I love it, then it will all be worth it and my time won't feel wasted. I don't want to finish school and then change my mind on my career choice. I think i've just hit a slump. One of those things where I'm just thinking too much when I know that this is what I love to do. And I am good at it. I need to accept the fact that I'm not the best, but I have some amazing teachers. Not just at school but at work. I'm lucky. I got what I wanted and i'm deathly afraid of screwing it up. I guess I live my life like that. Always afraid that I'll screw up. Everything. Work. School. Relationships. Self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't want that to happen. Where did this lack of confidence come from?

The only answer is to just work hard. To be confident and just go for it. Research. Practice. Stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me and what I love. I love to cook. I may not be the best now but if I keep working hard, I have the potential to one day - be the best. And if I'm not the best, I have to be okay with that and know that I tried my best.

When it comes down to it, I just need to accept things as they are and be okay with the outcome. I guess that's called "growing up" or something.

A Blog About Love.

People of the world, I come to talk to about love. I know what it is. I've fallen into that trap too many times. Love is a black hole. A hole of the worst combination of emotions. They teach you all throughout your life, "Life is grand! Love until you can't love anymore!" "Give your heart to 50 people because it's beautiful! It's a beautiful feeling, love is!" I'm here to tell you that it isn't. Fuck love and all of the bullshit that comes with it. It doesn't matter if you like them first, or they like you first. It doesn't matter what color they are. It doesn't matter if it is boy/girl. Or girl/girl. It all hurts the absolute same. Some a little more than others. You find one, they break you. You let them break you. You become vulnerable and it's fucking beautiful. It's one of the greatest feelings you will ever feel. And they tell you that love is "grand gestures!" Like, "going to the ends of the earth for someone", crossing the ocean, holding a boom box up outside of their window. No. Love isn't any of that. Love is a bunch of  the little things that no one wants to share with you. Like, the biggest pile of bullshit you have ever seen. Who the fuck invented love anyways? I'd like to meet that guy and punch him in the face. Like, seven times. Or maybe even twelve times.

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is a bunch of.... *fart noise*

I don't know if it's more beautiful to fall in love or to go crazy. Think about it: You fall for someone and they don't give a shit about you. But time goes on, and absence makes the heart grow fonder and they say things to you that apparently they didn't want you to take the way that you did. And then you go fucking crazy and blog about it because you're a pathetic romantic little bitch and somewhere deep down, you're okay with it because what if, that is actually what love is? Love is fucking crazy.

The worst part is that you think to yourself, "I'll just drink them away!"Or i'll just get high and not feel a thing. WRONG! So terribly, terribly wrong. None of that helps. You know what helps? Time. Another shitty concept that I can't seem to grasp. Time is of the essence and you spend it pining over someone who could care less about you and how you feel. And I mean you spend time just thinking, trying to get over them but every day you still think about them and it just gets worse and worse, and you have no control over it. Somewhere in your brain, someone else is controlling you and you have no clue how to stop it. It doesn't stop.

I'm starting to think love just doesn't exist. Because eventually, people change and go their separate ways. So love isn't even a forever kind of deal. It's temporary. Love is temporary bullshit that the world forces us or wants us to feel but when it's gone you just want to crawl into the darkest corner of a dark room and be alone for a day, a month, years. And you want to cry your eyes out, but you've programmed yourself not to break. You've been told to be strong. Not to let someone break you. But you find that letting someone break you is beautiful in some sort of fucked up way. Then, over the years you try again because you get over it. Then the same thing happens and you start to realize that you are indeed, broken. A broken instrument to the world that will never sing the same tune ever again.

Love is supposed to hurt, isn't it?

Fish & Seafood

“Something smells a little fishy around here…”

This week we learned about seafood! We had our choice of: Live Lobster, Mahi Mahi, Shrimp, Salmon, Tuna, or Swordfish. This is how I feel about these choices:

Mahi: Gross. No thanks.

Lobster: YUM!

Shrimp: YUM!

Salmon: Yumm!

Swordfish: Never had it.

Tuna: Meh. But it's nice in sushi. 

I originally was going to make the swordfish because I had never eaten it before. But I couldn’t decide between the two recipes he gave us. One was a recipe with a bunch of bell peppers and I am just not a fan of cooked bell peppers. The other recipe was swordfish that had a coat of sesame seeds and I’m not really into sesame seeds. No one chose to do Salmon. So I asked what the recipes were for the salmon and I wasn’t really sure about those either. I was feeling SUPER indecisive today and I didn’t know what I wanted to make, so I put all my choices in my chef hat and had my teacher pick! My teacher said "no" to two out of the three choices. So his 3^rd pick was marinated grilled salmon with a fruit salsa. I was down. I’m glad I ended up with salmon.

The salmon was marinated in soy sauce, minced ginger, and garlic. I was only supposed to marinate the fish for 15 minutes. It makes sense because if I left it in the marinade for an hour, it’d end up wayyyyyy too salty.

The fruit salsa consisted of:

Tomato that had been seeded

Papaya - diced

Pineapple - diced

Green onions - sliced

Jalapeno - minced

Garlic - minced

Lemon juice

Cilantro - chopped

And salt.

I used a whole jalapeno and it was pretty spicy. But good! I have never had papaya so that was new for me. It tastes like a melon. But kind of bland. It’s weird. But a pretty fruit for sure!

Today, we got to pick our starch. I could’ve made mashed potatoes but I didn’t want to make that. Too many dishes. We had some purple sweet potatoes and red sweet potatoes. I chose the red sweet potato. I sliced the sweet potato pretty thin because I wanted to do a sort of scalloped sweet potato but I went with what I knew. I added brown sugar, BUTTER, orange zest, and a little sage! OH MY GOD! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE POTATOES FOR A MINUTE?! They tasted sooooooo good! Like, heaven. Pure bliss. I loved it. They turned out perfectly. J

Kohlrabi

Red Sweet Potatoes don't even look red. 

For our vegetable, we got to choose between kohlrabi (kole-robbie) or okra. I had no idea how to cook either one. At Social, they make a kohlrabi puree that goes with the seitan (say-tan). It tastes really good! Like, broccoli. Or a radish, but without the bite. I julienned my kohlrabi and sautéed it in brown butter. I added a little bit of fresh basil and too much lemon juice. Next time I won’t add so much lemon. Or I just won’t add lemon at all. Too much lemon takes away from the flavor.

When it came time to plate, I did really well. I had good height, color, perfect grill marks, just everything. 

Last week, I did terribly. I didn’t like the vegetable we made. My scalloped potatoes didn’t turn out (don’t add orange zest to potatoes). We roasted a half of a chicken that turned out AMAZING. I just didn’t feel like blogging last week. I killed it this week! I want to either go down south for my externship or I want to go somewhere along the coast. I want to learn more about seafood. It’s ironic though because I am deathly afraid of live fish. I don’t even like little goldfish in a fish tank. I just can’t. I don’t like minnows. I don’t like big crazy salmon with teeth. If it’s alive, no way. I do think that seafood is beautiful. Food is art. Seafood is an art-form that I want to master. I definitely know how to cook salmon perfectly. (I can thank Noonan’s for that bit of experience.) I am good with seafood. And it shows whenever I cook it.

I’m just really excited that I’m learning and everything in my life is going really great for me. Today, the passion just flowed. I know this is what I want to do because I can feel it. I get so many compliments from classmates and my teacher. It feels good to finally be good at something. I got to make a chutney the other night at Social and it was all my call.  Winter pear and star anise chutney. I’m just really proud of how far I’ve come. I went to RVC. Originally I wanted to go into graphic design. Then I switched and decided that I wanted to cook. I got a job at Josef’s and I learned a lot there. I got my Assoc. of Arts and went to Blackhawk. I got my job at Noonan’s and got my experience up. Two years ago, I made it a goal to get into Social. I got it. I’m doing well in school and I’ve got everything that I want. My friends are the best of the best. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my mom, dad, and sister. I’m just extremely blessed and I feel great! Everything is coming together for me and I couldn’t have asked for my life to go any other way because everything happens for a reason!

Game Time!

Today started off like a normal day. I slept for about 11 hours and woke up still very tired. Today was game day. We talked about game. Deer. Rabbit. Pheasant. ETC. I’ve never been big on venison (deer). It tastes game-y and sometimes it’s tough. I’m just not a fan. So first we talked about what we’d be making in the kitchen in class, then we went down to the kitchen. We were waiting outside of the kitchen and one of my classmates had a song stuck in his head. He started talking about it and I sang it, very badly, because I LOVE that song! Everyone laughed but I was asked to sing it again. So I did. My classmates are turning into friends, and I don’t really care how they feel about me either way. I think they like me though. Who knows.

We had four options to choose from: duck, rabbit, venison, or pheasant. I wanted either rabbit or pheasant because I had never made either one. I liked the rabbit recipe more so I chose rabbit. Another kid and I made that together. At the beginning, I wasn’t doing so hot. My mind is in the kitchen off and on at school. Today, I was dead tired so it was another day where I was screwing everything up. I just wasn’t paying attention fully. I got in trouble for it too. My mind has been on work and other things. Not really at school. I mean, it is at school and I’m not lazy. I was just tired.

Our vegetable of the week was broccoli shoots. It tastes like broccoli but has a longer stem. Our starch was potato pancakes. Our rabbit came out really well. My potato pancakes tasted really good! My broccoli got a lot of good compliments. People were impressed and that made me feel really good. I hope I don’t have people thinking that I’m showing off. I’m just trying new things that come to me. Either way, I’m having fun.

Yesterday the Epicurean Club (cooking club) went to Abreo for dinner. You had to sign up ahead of time and I’ve always wanted to try the food there and this was the perfect opportunity. Abreo is the mother restaurant to Social. Social is my dream job. The food was amazing! There were 7 of us that went out. All girls. The chef that came with us was Chef Katie. She is a pastry chef. I haven’t had her yet for a class so it was nice getting to know her and for her vice versa. The executive sous chef came out and talked to us a lot and me and her introduced ourselves because word had gotten around that I was the new kid at Social. She was super nice and very skilled! I was definitely impressed. Back to the food; we ordered one of everything on the menu. I wasn’t big on 2 of the things but everything was amazing nonetheless. I would definitely recommend the Beet Napolean or the Australian Barramundi. Go try it out!

Potato pancake mixture

Fry it up!

After being in the oven for an hour or so.

Braided broccoli shoots.

I love this picture.

Chef moved my broccoli. *Final Product*

I’ve always known that being a chef is going to be very hard, especially physically. I came to the realization yesterday that everything that has happened to me lately has happened for a reason. I’m ready to start this new chapter at Social. I want to be one of the best and learn from the best! I won’t have much time for anything but I’m ready to make this positive change and become a better chef. I’m so ready. I’m nervous but I’m confident in my abilities. I can do this!