School? Meh.

I've really been needing to write lately so why not add on to this blog?
I've been struggling lately.
With life...
sorta.

School started back up and one minute I'm excited and the next, I want to just say "screw it!" and go home. I know I can and will and have learned a lot in culinary school, it's just the fact that culinary school is so much work. I have to be to class on Monday at 7 a.m. That means I need to wake up at 5 a.m. and leave the house by 6. I get to school before the sun comes up and when I leave the sun has come and gone. I feel like school is almost like a competition. Sometimes, I get so trapped in my head with what I'm not good at that I start messing up at work. My biggest fear right now is losing my job. I could die and it'd be whatever. But if I lost my job, I'd live but I'd feel so shitty. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't. But I do.

Lately, I just feel so inadequate. In everything that I do. The guys I work with in the kitchen are cool as hell and they work so hard. And I think they love what they do. I look up to them. They are so knowledgeable about food and the culinary world. I want to be like them. It sounds cheesy. I'm one of the few people that actually say, "I love my job." I do. It's just hard sometimes. I sit and think how I will spend a majority of my life in the kitchen. If I love it, then it will all be worth it and my time won't feel wasted. I don't want to finish school and then change my mind on my career choice. I think i've just hit a slump. One of those things where I'm just thinking too much when I know that this is what I love to do. And I am good at it. I need to accept the fact that I'm not the best, but I have some amazing teachers. Not just at school but at work. I'm lucky. I got what I wanted and i'm deathly afraid of screwing it up. I guess I live my life like that. Always afraid that I'll screw up. Everything. Work. School. Relationships. Self-fulfilling prophecy? I don't want that to happen. Where did this lack of confidence come from?

The only answer is to just work hard. To be confident and just go for it. Research. Practice. Stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me and what I love. I love to cook. I may not be the best now but if I keep working hard, I have the potential to one day - be the best. And if I'm not the best, I have to be okay with that and know that I tried my best.

When it comes down to it, I just need to accept things as they are and be okay with the outcome. I guess that's called "growing up" or something.